So in the past several months, a lot of game changers have happened. Obviously, I had a baby. Then I went back to work. Now I'm adjusting to all that. In the midst of the colossal weight of the stress just from that, some other, more personal things have happened. And out of respect for the parties involved, I will have to leave out the juicy details. Sorry sorry. This is not a gripe blog. At least not all the time.

So in the middle of all my now normal chaos, I am reflecting back on the numerous occasions where women would say to me, "Oh you just wait until you have kids. Then you'll understand." Well guess what. I have one of my very own now and she's perfect, thank you.

So now it's up to me to decide. Who am I? Who am I to this sweet baby? Who do I need to become NOW before it's too late and I run out of time? What kind of relationship do I want with her when she's 10? 20? 30? Am I going to spend her formative years building her up? And not letting her believe there's anything she can't do? Am I going to hold her hostage to the dreams and failures I had? Either at my hands or the hands of someone else who could have changed things for me if they'd just been willing? Am I going to worry so much about being right and being obeyed at all costs even into adulthood? Or will I... CAN I... Choose a better path. I must. I don't know exactly how to do this, but I have to try. Every day. I will continue to spend time in prayer over this and I will follow my heart. I will be my daughters mother and her rock. Please don't read that I won't discipline. But I won't play games with her just to assert my dominance and authority. Let me just tell you that behavior like that will get you NOwhere. It will leave you with a fractured relationship that often teeters between frustration and apathy. We deserve something better. Something richer. I will not and cannot be perfect. And I don't think she needs me to be. She needs me to be honest, forthright, GENTLE, understanding and respectful. If I had been treated with more respect and gentleness in my life, things would be very different. I'd rather not spend her adult years trying to repair a relationship that could have been protected when she was young. Perhaps being a bit older as a first time mom will allow me to learn from my own damage, and not pass it on. It's time to break the cycle.

So next time someone says to me, "Just wait... You'll understand..." I'll say, "I don't have to wait. But I still don't understand why, if you had the same love for your child that I have for mine, that you could make the choices you've made."

Anyway... That's what I've been thinking about lately. How will I choose to leave my legacy? That legacy is this tiny, living breathing creature who knows no pain, betrayal or disappointment. Am I going to fight to keep it that way? ESPECIALLY in the face of conflict, or am I going to make sure she carries my scars with her for the rest of her life. I pray... Fervently... That I can keep them to myself and teach her what I've learned and only screw her up just enough to not need therapy, but to be really funny.

Go out a be a good mama. Don't provoke your children. It just makes them mean and untrusting.

Leave a Reply.