How do I feel about going back to work? Not great. This is what I've been dreading for 12 weeks. I don't want to leave the baby. I just don't want to. I'm afraid she will either flip out when I'm gone all day and my husband will be left alone to pick up the pieces (he's very capable. Just hate for him to be on his own. It's a lot of work). Or that in a matter of days or weeks, she won't care about me nursing her and cuddling her, etc. I don't know how to deal with that.
And let's talk about pumping. So this baby eats constantly. How often do I need to pump? How do I make sure I don't lose my supply?? How do I get my work done with all this responsibility?
And schedules. I'm not a morning person. At all. And coffee doesn't help. I'm just NOT. So I have to figure out how to get in time with Baby so I don't lose my mind, have time to stop weeping before leaving her, get dressed and out the door so I can fight the traffic.
Did I mention the weeping?
Ladies, how did you do it?
So today is one of those days where hubby and I considered putting the baby (and the dog - but for different reasons) up for sale on Craigslist. But noooooo. We wouldn't do anything like that. Just give them to an aunt or something. ;-) The baby just because she's been crazy the last 36 hours. Well, not really crazy... Just unstable and insane. Ok fine she's crying a lot and doesn't want to nurse, therefore she's difficult to calm down. Into the baby straight jacket she goes. The dog? Well he farts and it's legendary and we can't handle the responsibility. And we keep telling him to take a bath, but he just doesn't listen. These dogs these days. Just think they can do whateeeevvvvver they want.
So the baby has decided that she's not going to sleep through the night anymore because she knows Mommy is about to have to go back to work in a few days (oh God, kill me now)! So I'm exhausted. She must be too or something. Or it's a growth spurt, per my mommy friend who says that's her explanation for everything that upsets the baby. Lol. Now, my wonderful 6 hour stretch of uninterupted sleep has been cut in half if I'm lucky.
And WHAT is the deal with the scratching while nursing??? Is that really necessary? And yes.... I trim and file her nails... Sometimes... Hahaha. You try!!! They're tiny!!!! And they do NOT stay still. Ever!!
I dunno. Maybe it's a full moon or something. But she's just "off" today. I am too. She woke up crying this morning. Very strange. And then would wake up the same way from naps. Wish I knew what was upsetting her so I could fix it.
Anyway, I've decided not to Craigslist the baby. But if that dog farts again..........
My sweet sweet baby... You have been napping for a few hours and I just wanted to tell you that I always miss you when you're sleeping away from me. I want to catch every dimple filled smile. Every precious little giggle that you only know how to do when you're sleeping. Those are my favorites.
I miss the funny little faces you make when you're concentrating really hard. I miss watching you watch your Daddy move around the room. I miss the wonderful scent of your fuzzy little head that is only yours... (I also love when that smell is mixed in with your Daddy's aftershave... That's also my favorite.)
And all the kisses! You give the funniest little kisses!!! I miss them too. I may have to steal one while you sleep. I'm sure you won't mind.... And if I just have to pull you to me in the middle of the night, you'll just have to understand that it's only because you've been away so long and Mommy needs you.
I miss cuddling with you while you nurse. I love watching your tiny little hands learn new movements and steadily become more deliberate. How you drum your fingers on my skin practicing using them. It really is to die for. :-)
I miss those amazingly beautiful eyes... The color of steel, mixed with a hint of blue. I miss when you look at me and smile so big that both your little dimples show and your eyes squint because you're happy.
And of course your sweet little toes. They're so cute. Those are my favorite too. Everything is my favorite.
So baby, it's ok if you want to wake up in the middle of the night for some mommy time. I'll be right here waiting for you.
Allow myself to introduce myself... ;-)
A little bit of background on yours truly. I spent the majority of my adult life as a single woman, with a little bit of a career (read: a job that pays the bills), and a few "near misses" when it came to getting married and having a family. Either the wrong guy, or the wrong time... Or both. Either way, babies weren't really on my radar....... Not even a little bit.
Fast forward to May of 2010, and I'm now a happy newlywed... Still with no babies on the radar. Hubby and I were a little older when we married, and were set in our ways. We really didn't know what we wanted yet, so we kind of just agreed to table the issue until one of us had an epiphany.
Fast forward again to last fall (2011), to a certain phone call I received from the hubby while he was at the deer lease. Long story short, he's been hanging out with the guys at deer camp and they apparently were busy telling him how fabulous having kids was. So he finally tells me he thinks we should maybe start a family. I wish two things about this conversation. 1) I wish I had this call recorded, and 2) I wish I had put money on hubby wanting a baby first. I just knew he'd decide he wanted a family and I'd have to decide if I wanted to go along with it or not. I just knew he would be ready first and I was right. :-)
So this is November. We talk about it for a few weeks and then decide ok let's have a baby! He says let's wait about 6 more months to start trying. Well, I'm good with that for a little while until I realize that if we do that, I'll be 32 before I have the baby. So I freak out. It's time to start now... In case we have trouble getting pregnant, or staying pregnant... You just never know. So we compromised and decided to wait about 4-6 more weeks before trying.
(*SideNote* Looking back, I always thought it was funny that he wanted to have a baby first, but really wasn't in a hurry to get started. He wanted to put it off for awhile. And then there's me who had been hard to convince and terrified, etc., but once I agreed, there was no time to lose. I think it kind of backfired on him a little...)
So we now know we want to have a baby. The next thing is to decide how and where to actually HAVE the baby. I have always maintained that on the off chance hell froze over and I WAS going to have a baby, I would want a homebirth. My sister had 3 homebirths and they were wonderful and I was convinced that was a great way to have a baby. (I also really hate hospitals and didn't want to be there unless there was an emergency.)
So it's still November (it was a busy month) and I have started researching area midwifery practices (read: I'm constantly obsessing over this and Googling homebirth info like crazy)... Lo and behold, there was a local birth center with 3 (at the time) very experienced midwives. My poor husband... He doesn't come from a suburban-hippie upbringing so it was quite an adjustment for him to even consider anything other than a hospital birth. However, to his credit, he never fought me on it, but simply said, "I just need to do my research"... Naturally, I use this against him and present him with a perfect opportunity to begin said "research". So guess who got dragged out to a "Meet the Midwives" appointment? That's right my friends... Hubby got his first taste of the other side and we weren't even trying yet... But I was now very focused. Lol. Don't judge! This was his idea!!! Little did he know it was just the tip of the iceberg.
Well, we didn't have to wait long after that. On February 11, 2012, we discovered we were pregnant. Not only is Feb 11 my dad's birthday, but the parents were in town staying with us when we found out! But we weren't telling anyone yet! So it made for an awkward weekend because we were excited and stunned at the same time and were having a hard time keeping a secret. All in all, we are so blessed that we had no problems conceiving whatsoever..
So after a few more weeks of unbearable silence, we tell our families that we are expecting a baby at the end of October. Everyone was excited, especially my parents because I had spent the better part of the last 10 years conditioning them to believe that any and all grand kids would be supplied by my older siblings. So far, they already had 5 grand babies and they served as a wonderful decoy for me and I happily flew under the radar for years. I had a good run, that's for sure!
Now that we were preggers, we had to actually decide on a caregiver to monitor the pregnancy. We talked and talked and prayed and prayed and researched and researched. Before too long, he was fully on board with using a midwife and a birth center. We both felt peace about a certain midwife, and so we hired her! Not long after that, he came around to the idea of homebirth and we never looked back.
So that's a little background about me.
What started it all? When hubby said:
"Baby... Let's take our love.... And make a baby with it." And so we did.